With online misinformation glitching the system over the capture and arrest of the UnitedHealthcare CEO murder suspect, “Super” Hot Luigi Mangione, only America’s Number One Newstainment Source, GWU! can warp readers into the next level of the information game. Where, according to a former CIA agent, Willis Coleman, the psyop is always in another castle.
Coleman, who spoke exclusively to GWU! via MicroSoft Teams, was with the spy agency’s top level ‘Cultural Behavior Modification Unit’ for nearly four decades. There, he served as assistant script supervisor for TV programs such as Max Headroom: The Animated Series, Baywatch: After Dark, and Cooking with Meth.
In this exclusive, Coleman lays out a number of logical and down right crazy theories that are spreading online and hints at which facts may be stranger than fiction …. but true.
1. Saint Luigi Pharma of Adjuster
“Luigi is a working class hero,” proposes Coleman who was stationed in Berlin during the height of the Cold War.
“He’s just a normal guy who, like many Americans, got burned by the corporate health insurance industry. He was suffering from severe back pain and getting nowhere with his provider.”
The former spook who first spoke to GWU! about Taylor Swift being a psyop adds that the public love a good tale of David defeating Goliath.
“The general public have had enough of these Wall Street Fat Cats profiting off of their despair and view Luigi as a rebel folk hero. His manifesto clearly lays out why he allegedly gunned down CEO Brian Thompson. He’s William Wallace, Robin Hood and James Dean all rolled up into one.”
Indeed, the reaction to the grizzly daylight murder on social media has been mostly celebratory and elicited fierce criticism of the Healthcare industry and praise for Mangione’s deadly deed.
“I’m only on Facebook and imgur, but I’ve seen a groundswell of support for Luigi. Not financial advice, but I think his Meme coins are a pump and dump.”
2. Gotta Catch ’em All
“286 is an important number in this case,” says Coleman. “The number pops up an uncanny amount of times,” he explains.
“The boys back at the home office tell me that Luigi made 286 X posts, that the health insurance denial code is 286, and the Manhattan murder scene was 286 miles from the Altoona McDonalds where he was arrested. Some other boys, my grandkids, also tell me that a creature called Breloom is number 286 in something called a ‘Pokedex’, whatever the hell that is.”
Although our 007 isn’t into Numerology he does find the recurrence of the number ‘supernatural’ citing the Bible verse: Proverbs 28:6, which reads: “Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity than a rich man who is crooked in his ways.”
“Luigi was clearly devoted to his beliefs in exposing the inequity of the healthcare industry.”
3. Framed Model
Another popular theory revolves around 26-year-old Mangione’s chiseled Roman cheek bones and how there is no way someone this hot could be a cold-blooded killer.
“Hot Luigi may well have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even on a casual review anyone can see that the various video footage that law enforcement agencies used to place him near the scene of the crime don’t match up. The first photos and videos of him do not look anything like the “super cut surfer bod cover model he clearly is,” gushes Coleman, who moonlighted on George Clooney’s security detail in the early 2000s.
Furthering his oddly specific study of Mangione’s physical attributes, Willis goes on to argue that the very distinctive eyebrows are all wrong and so is the skin tone.
Upon his arrest, “Hot Luigi” shouted the cryptic statement that what was happening to him was “an insult to the intelligence of the American people.”
A statement Willis agrees with. “The only thing Luigi’s guilty of is having criminal abs,” insists the confirmed bachelor spy guy. “When it comes time for his trial, I just hope the jury remembers, if the brows don’t fit, you must acquit.”
4. Big Pharma Hitman
While the MSM have furiously disputed the viral rumor that mummified Senator Nancy Pelosi and the mafia were behind the killing, Coleman isn’t so sure.
“Tycoon CEO Brian Thompson was at the heart of a lawsuit that alleges he and fellow executives at UnitedHealthcare sold $120 million worth of company shares when they learned that the U.S Department of Justice was investigating their anti-competitive practices. We’re talking about big money here. If Thompson had sung on the stand, would the tune have been about Nancy Pelosi or other powerful politicians known for insider trading? We’ll never know now.”
The theory that started on TikTok goes that Mangione was a paid assassin with the perfect cover of being a clean cut, good looking and well-liked all American boy from an upstanding and well connected family.
“It has a certain degree of credulity and follows perfectly with the exception of Luigi getting caught, another element to this whole thing that makes no sense. I mean, what criminal mastermind stops for a quarter pounder and fries when they’re on the run?”
5. Quarter Pounder with Theories
According to Keystone cops, Mangione was arrested after he was recognized by a diligent fast food worker while dining inside an Altoona, Pennsylvania McDonald’s. But is that what really happened?
“No way,” laughs Coleman. “This is what we in the industry call ‘parallel construction.’ It’s a law enforcement process of building a parallel, or separate, evidentiary basis for a criminal investigation in order to limit disclosure as to the origins of an investigation. Those self-serve order kiosks in McDonalds have cameras, but of course, the use of them without a warrant would sound a bit Big Brotherish, so sure, let’s say an overworked, disinterested fry jockey is the hero who spotted him and ratted to the pigs.”
Coleman also takes a bite out of the very idea that “washboard abs” Mangione would even step foot in a McDonalds let alone take refuge in one while on the run.
“I’m sorry but a nutrition bro being caught at McDonald’s with an anti-healthcare “manifesto” is really giving off ‘we immediately found the passports of the 9/11 hijackers’ vibes.”
5.1 Secret CIA Psyop
But is this all just another CIA psyop? Coleman says he can not confirm that it isn’t.
“Does the CIA have a history of domestic media manipulation, yes. Do they meddle in American politics, business and … well … everything? Yeah.”
When asked why the CIA would possibly be involved in staging the health insurance industry murder, Coleman provided some shocking information that he would not corroborate as fake or not.
“This op. If it is one, runs the gambit. Is Luigi a CIA plant, was there a body double involved, did anyone actually die? If it was us then was the goal to bring in new laws against citizen vigilantism in an offensive stance against the brewing class war that approaches? Who knows?,” he spookily smiles.
Both tight-lipped and chatty Coleman closes his case with something to ponder.
“Hot Luigi was found with a 3D-printed gun, fake New Jersey ID, and an incriminating left wing manifesto on him. Seems a bit too perfect, yeah? Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why no other murder in America is subject to this level of investigation and public discourse? But then, that’s just conspiracy talk, right?”
