Donald Trump is taking prisoners—literally!
According to a reliable insider on the presidential campaign trail, Trump is making two lists. “The first is for his VP running mate, which we all know know.” Trump has publicly shared that list recently, naming the possible VP names; Tim Scott, Vivek Ramaswamy, Ron DeSantis, Byron Donalds, Kristi Noem, and Tulsi Gabbard (sorry Pence, not this time—ed).
“However,” our informant snitches, “the second more secret list is of people who will be serving Trump’s next term behind bars.”
Although GWU! cannot confirm nor deny the convict call list, we can snitch to you some Liberal Cons who may be going up the river when the Commander-In-Trump sails back into the oval office on November 5th.
Stephen Colbert & Jon Stewart
These two so-called funny men of late night television won’t be laughing when they’re watching COPS in the prison TV lounge. “Trump loves TV and he sees the way these two bozos constantly make jokes about him and spout the Biden administration’s talking points.” Whether it’s Stephen Colbert sounding like a deranged, cringey woketard or Jon Stewart whining that “freedom isn’t free,” our whistle-blower confides that Trump will be increasing his personal ratings when he cancels these two “broadcast bozos.”
Rachel Maddow
Election night 2024 will be the longest night of this man’s career as it will most likely be his last day of freedom. “Everybody knows Rachel suffers from TDS. Ever the humanitarian, Trump will have a special place to medically care for those people and it’s called the Big House.” Maddow, who has spent the last few months grifting his new book, while comparing Trump to a dictator, might want to watch his ‘freedom of speech’ when his institutionalized journalism ass becomes institutionalized. Watch for Maddow’s upcoming 2024 media promotion …. to prison librarian.
The Biden Crime Family
Call it a Kangaroo Court, but when Joe and Hunter Biden stand trial in early 2025 it will be anything but cute and cuddly. “Trump has loads of intel on these two partners in crime. From money laundering in Ukraine to grooming young women, Pops and Jr. are sure to spend their next Father’s Day plotting an escape from the Crowbar Hotel.” But will a Trump-appointed judge show compassion for the ailing and dementia-riddled senior citizen and send him to Club Fed? “It’s possible,” says our insider, “but not for Hunter who is sure to spend his golden years drenched in a sea of gen-pop golden showers.”
Entire 2016 Cast of SNL
We know what you’re thinking: they should be locked up just based on their predictable jokes. But in a surprise show of amnesty, Trump will spare the troupe of not ready for prime time players and instead sentence all of his political prisoners to watch a special reunion season of the 2016 cast on a loop. (That has got to be illegal—ed.) “That said, Trump impersonator Alec Baldwin will be unable to reprise his role, due to a scheduling conflict with his soon to be long-running murder sentence. BAM!”
Barack Obama
Yes, it’s true, America doesn’t need any more Black men in jail, but Trump will make an exception for his former nemesis and current Biden puppet master. Barack Obama will be charged and convicted of rigging the 2020 election (as well as for a dash of drowning his cook—ed). And while Obama has tried to make a name for himself in Hollywood as a film producer, the next 10 years of his life will be spent satisfying the brute from Block-D with bulging biceps (So not much different than being married to Michael, er Michelle—ed).
