Our planet is just twelve years away from dying or so the experts have been telling us for the past forty years. Does it need Remdesivir and a ventilator, stat? Or just a healthy dose of the freemarket of ideas? Progressives say they are determined to save our planet by tackling climate change and potential future pandemics, whilst looking for revolutionary societal changes led by the cast of Dancing with The Stars for alternative strategies of saving our species.
Meanwhile, across the political aisle, cheeky Conservatives impulsively attempt to stall and sabotage their hard work and well-laid plans. They’re like cartoon versions of Dick Dastardly and Muttley stopping to cheat in Wacky Races when they’re well ahead of the crowd, ensuring their own failure in the process. Drat, and double drat! Curses, foiled again!
Who will win this race to the bottom? Read the GWU! breakdown of the 7 ways Progressives are trying to ‘save’ the planet and how they say Conservatives are sabotaging them to find out!
7. Jet Setters Fueling the Problem
Progressives are desperate to save the planet from climate change. They are doing the incredibly hard work of holding fully catered international conferences on the subject and even taking the time to lecture the general public occasionally on TikTok. In a desperate bid to raise awareness they are selflessly contributing to climate change by taking private jets to dozens of yearly climate summits (also fully catered). But Conservatives are on to Leo and his gangs of New York. They’ve been pigging out at the geo-political corporate trough and cheating on their wives for more than 30 years – and just not telling anyone.
6. Communism is Failing because Stupid Capitalism Stopped Working
Climate guru Greta Thunberg recently outed herself as a proud Communist. Who saw that one coming, eh? Her goal is to craft a Utopian Communist society by using the platform and wealth—afforded to her by the evil Capitalist system she opposes. But she says this same system is also holding her back from achieving her dreams. Wow, talk about sneaky Conservatives! Was that your plan the whole time? How dare you!
5. Children of Mxn
Even though more and more letters are being added to the LGBTQIAP+ community on a seemingly daily basis, their ranks grow thinner and thinner. The reasons for this is abortions, vasectomies and gender reassignments. These ‘health’ programs are ensuring their eventual extinction, hence the need to indoctrinate—er, recruit young members through ‘family friendly’ drag shows. Conservatives seek to eradicate this proud culture by banning drag shows and funnelling the youngsters instead to Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageants.
4. Burning Ant hills all over the Fracking the Ground
Woke elitists want everyone to eat bugs and synthetic meat to save the planet. Practical, but gross. Selfish Conservatives say no fracking way! Rumour has it that a nefarious plot has been concocted by mercenary eco-terrorists to destroy all bug life on planet Earth, by any means necessary. We might otherwise be forced to eat witchetty grub burgers like some C-list has-been on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! We’re looking at you Matt Hancock! The alt-right however are busy burning ant hills with magnifying glasses and fracking their backyards as you read this.
3. Fortify Our Democracy!
In a foolish, bigoted attempt to stop migrants from entering the country from the southern borders, many Conservatives have flocked to Trump’s infamous ‘wall’ with the intention of reinforcing it, with words. This has had unforeseen consequences as floods of Mexicans and miscellaneous illegal immigrants swarm and pile against the wall like a mindless zombie horde, building a giant human pyramid that will inevitably spill over into America, allowing countless migrants to slip through the cracks undetected.
Progressives have been quick to point out that their strategy of doing nothing (except hiring illegal immigrants to work underpaid factory, labour and service jobs) was working just fine until the Conservatives intervened.
2. A Mpox pandemic is Inevitable if Conservatives Keep Monkeying Around
A think tank of radical, forward thinking Progressives have concocted an idea to stave off a potential Mpox (the virus formerly known as Monkeypox) pandemic by having gay, queer, and non-binary folx register themselves in a Global database. (Is that Bill Gates on the phone?) This will allow scientists and experts to easily identify and track any potential super spreaders should another outbreak happen.
The only kink in this plan is that there will doubtlessly be plenty of closeted Conservatives who will refuse to sign up for this safe and effective (and free!!) service due to fears of being outed and ousted.
1. Life on Mars for Space Cadets
Sooner or later we’re going to have to abandon this rock for a healthier host. Or so say Progressives who have nowhere left to build more ironically named bars like Pelosi’s Liver Spot, Dark Brandon Ales and Fetterman’s Finery. The barren, lifeless landscape of Mars seems perfect, but sadly Elon and the rest of his fellow Conservatives are more interested in preserving free speech on Twitter than saving our entire species.
Progressives are keen to leave the planet ASAP, so if Elon could get off his ass and make sure both things actually happen, that would be great. And like liberals who’ve left Twitter say, Musk is great at killing two birds with one stoner.
