I’m madder than a ghost being exorcized from a house they spent 25 years paying the mortgage on over the way like-minded individuals like myself are being canceled over anonymous complaints.

Why just the other day, I found out that the local community newspaper where I’ve been a contributor for over ten weeks was discontinuing my weekly column. Mr. Wong, the editor and my best friend, said the decision was based on a lack of advertising. “Only boomers read the rag, anyway, and most of them are dying or losing their sight,” my best bud said. However, when I pushed for more, I learned that my firing was actually because of an anonymous complaint.

“A complaint.” I told my wife, Greta, after a few sidecars.

“Who would do that?”

“No clue,” I said, “they go by the name ‘Anonymous’.”

My wife confessed that no one she knew even read our community newspaper. My second born, Johnny, said that most of his friends suffering from the economic downturn only used Mr. Wong’s ‘pulpy tabloid’ as toilet paper.

Still, I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. The column had simply stated that I felt cheated that our current woke mayor had removed a nativity scene from a public square, but continued to wave the Ukrainian flag (a country that most citizens couldn’t pinpoint on a map). My column must have rubbed this Anonymous jerk the wrong way. Instead, however, of sitting down for a chin wag with Toby P. Gelman, this coward filed a baseless complaint, which scared the rights out of Mr. Wong.

Cancel Culture

I quickly learned that I was not alone. My old podcast colleague Jordan B. Peterson also received an anonymous complaint and was under investigation for tweeting pro Pierre Poilievre, the leader of Canada’s Conservative party, content. There were also countless others who were losing their jobs, social media accounts, and lives due to Anonymous. Amy Hamm, who was interviewed by my good pals Mad Dug and Anthony Anderson, had her life turned upside down over an anonymous complaint because she supported Harry Potter creator JK Rowling’s brave stand on freedom of speech and women’s rights.

My guess was that Mr Wong, like so many others, got worried about the complaint and overreacted, but time and time again we’re seeing a dangerous trend. The trend includes making major decisions and editorial directions based on a complaint from this Anonymous bozo.

I decided that I need to find Anonymous and clarify my argument. Maybe he didn’t see how hypocritical it was for the mayor to play God with the Christmas nativity scene or maybe I was missing something. (Sometimes I get it ‘wong’, says Mr. Wong) I pulled out my rolodex and called up a retired police sketch artist from my old days working at a big city newsmagazine. I asked him to compose a drawing of Anonymous, based on their complaint letter. This draftsman was famous for bringing to justice some of the biggest crooks and crookettes (gender inclusive) in the city back in the day.

Anonymous #1

The artist showed me a 15-year-old man (or woman?) with green hair, a nose ring, and a tattoo on their forehead that read: Say Her Name. I was impressed with this artist and was amazed by how he knew so much about Anonymous from only a few words in the letter. I argued that my son, Johnny, claims that nobody under 45 reads newsprint and that it couldn’t possibly be them. The artist crumpled up the sketch and  tried another.

Anonymous #2

He seemed to be getting closer. This time he drafted out  a 30-year-old woman who looked like she was from the suburbs. She wore a Lululemon tracksuit and a face mask with the Ukrainian flag on it. He also showed a bit of her shoulder where it appeared that she’d had five needles poked into it. I was pretty sure that he was onto something, but then recalled that Mr. Wong doesn’t deliver the paper to the suburbs, so how could she have seen my witty columns?

Anonymous #3

For his third attempt, he combined elements from the previous sketches but overlaid them on an overweight man in his early 50s. He even added a BLM poster in the background. The artist said that this man (who identifies as a woman) was the most likely target. They tend to have no life and spend their days on incel internet message boards like Reddit and Facebook complaining to moderators. To be honest, I could barely look at this sketch. I couldn’t understand what mental health issues this man/woman had been suffering from. I couldn’t imagine them taking the time to write a letter to Mr. Wong. 

I was lost. I took the three drawings and left to find the culprit. Investigative journalist style. I spent the day walking through hipster coffee shops and remote work spaces, but my search turned up nothing. When I arrived home, my wife Greta asked me if I’d found Anonymous.

“No,” I showed her the composite drawings. “Everybody everywhere looks like these trolls.”

“Yes,” she spread all three drawings on the table. “Anonymous could be any one of them.”

Greta suggested that I derive a nom de plume and continue writing in secret for Mr. Wong. “You could also be Anonymous,” she laughed. 

“It is nice to have a bit of scratch in my wallet, but no,” I added. I explained that in this day and age it’s important for one to stand behind their opinions and to not hide behind fake names and AI generated profile pictures. How can we even begin to have “the conversation” if everybody is too afraid to show their face. “As long as we’re accepting anonymous complaints as fact then none of us are safe no matter what name we use,” I told my wife.