Jenny Lane never considered herself political. “I rarely voted,” the former yoga instructor tells America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! via MicroSoft Teams from her home in Berkeley, California. That all changed, however, when the single 39-year-old watched President Donald Trump and Elon Musk in horror during a rally last summer in Butler, Pennsylvania, on MSNBC. It was the same spot where, only weeks earlier, Trump had literally dodged a bullet!
“I shook as I watched the two of them on stage making Nazi salutes, giving the middle finger to democracy, and talking about taking away a woman’s right to choose!” She adds that the whole scene, which she described as disgusting and sickening, filled her with an uncontrollable rage.
Smack Down
Wearing a stealth grey T-shirt with an image of a burning Tesla, Terri Phillips, owner and operator of Smash Sisters—a so-called women-only safe space rage room—where frustrated democrats can pay to break things, says that folks like Jenny are not alone and make up 99.99% of her clients.
“Women are terrified of the new administration,” says Phillips. “They need a place to feel safe and take out their unhinged anger.” She confesses that she opened the “rage room” as a bit of a joke for her and a couple of friends, after hate-watching an episode of the Joe Rogan Experience. “As word got around, people began lining up,” she says proudly.
In this bastion of progressive thought, the latest solution to political disagreement is donning a hazmat suit and going full demolition derby on innocent household items, smashing up papier mache effigies of President Trump—or, for an extra $20, keying parts from a real Cybertruck!
All Welcome! Unless You Voted Republican
Despite its name, “Smash Sisters” is open to everyone, but it does emphasize that it prefers women or anyone who identifies as a woman. Jenny says it’s a place to “expel bottled-up energy. She smiles, saying, “Nothing soothes the soul like breaking an ‘RFK Jr. for President’ collectable plate.” (We’d suggest a brisk walk, Jenny, but hey, what do we know?—ed)
For a mere $49.99 plus tax (because even when it comes to rage, the government needs its cut!—ed), sensitive souls can unleash their inner Hulkette. Want to bring equally fragile friends? Pony up $139.99 for a group therapy session involving shattered ceramics and Tulsi Gabbard campaign merch—because nothing says ‘aggression’ like taking a sledgehammer to a former Democrat who infuriatingly became a Republican.
A former copywriter for Ben and Jerry’s, Phillips now sees a real future in this adult temper-tantrum environment with offers to open similar “rooms” in Brooklyn, Boston, and the autonomous CHAZ zone in Seattle. Leaning against the edge of a donated red Tesla, similar to the one Trump purchased, she waxes poetic about one recent client. “She told me that she pictured her right-wing uncle’s face on every plate. Made in England? More like MAGA-land!” Her weapon of choice? “A baseball bat,” Phillips enthusiastically declared, “worth every penny, she told me!”
Big Business for Liberal Tantrum Zones
Despite being “scared and excited” about her new business, she hopes the city is ready for a creative idea like this that she totally copied from an Instagram post. Judging by the long line outside stretching from the organic dog bakery to the Spanish Sushi restaurant. “She’ll be doing well, as long as Trump continues signing Executive Orders with his tiny hands,” predicts Lane.
Adding a touch of “wokeness” to the wreckage, Phillips mentioned her lofty goal of contributing to local do-gooder organizations. “Every smashed Cybertruck piece funds a free kale smoothie for a struggling barista,” she vowed. So, while you’re destroying that vintage vase, you can feel good knowing a tiny sliver of your hard-earned cash might go to a worthy cause, such as Berkeley’s displaced Trans shelter that houses Trans people escaping Red States.
While the rest of the world grapples with actual problems, the enlightened residents of this kooky Californian enclave can find solace in LARPing as anti-Trump resistance fighters. GWU! can only wonder what groundbreaking therapy will emerge next—perhaps a “Cry Closet” where you pay by the sob?
