Dear Karen and Kevin,
Seventy years ago my wife and I locked our adopted child in a cage in the basement. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s cool. Our friends and family supported this action. I mean, we fed our child and provided it with everything an incarcerated human would need. Ultimately, this was for the best. We couldn’t stand the way our child always wanted to just spread out anywhere in the house and have their own way. Truth be told, there were a few times when our child got a bit rebellious, but that always stopped when we cut off their food and water.
Much to my surprise, a few weeks ago our child escaped and slit my wife’s throat. I’m very upset and ready to go down there and put an end to my child. Some of my friends agree with this approach, while their own children are against it. Where do you stand on this issue, I mean my personal dilemma?
Sincerely,
Tired of Always Reading About the Middle East in Texas
Dear Tired,
Kevin: This sounds like a complicated issue and one that I probably could never fully understand as my wife is barren and we have no one to care for. But, hey, you asked so here I go. Locking a dog, I mean child, in a cage seems like a drastic measure, especially for 70 years.
Sometimes, when Karen has her special friend, Sam, over, she puts me in a dog crate. At first I hated it, but after a while I just sort of accepted the state of things. I used to get jealous by how much fun I could tell my wife and her special friend were having, jumping on the bed and playing the olde YES! OH, YES! game.
Sometimes Sam would taunt me and make me call him ‘uncle’ which did make me angry, but Karen said that me being confined was all part of a healthy relationship. She said it kept the peace but Sam can be such a jerk and I don’t understand what makes him so special! I guess all I’m saying is that if I’m okay with being locked up then I don’t see why your dog, I mean child, got so angry and did what it did.
Karen: First off, putting Kevin in a dog crate is a very different scenario than the one you’re proposing, Tired. My special friend, Sam, occupies a special territory in my relationship with my partner. Ultimately, Sam is around to improve the romantic connection between me and Kevin. I have never annexed Kevin to the basement or sentenced him to some type of open-air, I mean, makeshift jail cell. Nor have I threatened to remove his basic necessities of life! In fact, Kevin has learned a lot about how to treat a woman by watching how Sam treats me.
What you have done, Tired, is inhuman and the consequences of your actions are all on you. I have asked the editors of GWU! to find and publish your name in order to cancel you (Yeah, that’s not happening—ed). While I would never cheer on the outside for the violent murder of your wife, on the inside I’m all like: ‘Hells, yeah, you effed around and then you found out.’
I’m also surprised that your child didn’t slit your throat. I support child! Free child!!!
