Federal government employees may have been publicly fuming after DOGE boss Elon Musk ordered the lazy sods to send an email detailing what they do at work, but like good little bureaucrats they did what they were told, without thinking.
Just for GWU!, America’s Number 1 Source of Newstainment, has obtained some of the more insane emails that Mr. Mars was sent last week. While not surprising, it just goes to show that it is now more important than ever for Elon to clean up this disgraceful government mess.
Brewing up a storm of mediocrity
A federal employee with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service seems to think that mastering the art of the extended coffee break was a suitable accomplishment to send to Tea Party Revolutionary Elon Musk. The employee wrote, “Spent 2 hours researching the “perfect” coffee blend, only to end up with the same instant coffee we’ve been drinking for years. YOLO!”
Later the employee who was twice rejected to be a federal Duck Stamp Contest Judge boasted that he “Held a 45-minute debate with coworkers about whether the break room microwave should be set to 30 or 35 seconds for optimal reheating.” Looks like Elon will need to open job-hunting season a bit early for this stupid duck.
Is this gonna get clipped?
A 22-year-old National Institutes of Health employee appeared to respond to Elon quite literally when she wrote, “Counted every single paperclip in the supply closet, only to realize we were 3 short and spent the rest of the day theorizing about where they went.”
The newly hired employee of the NIH—once home to Federal Snake Milkers—actually goes on to painfully admit that she “Created a 12-slide PowerPoint presentation on the importance of conserving sticky notes (note: Used A.I)” Uhg! The sooner Elon sticks this employee to the curb the better for the good, ol’ US of A.
Derailing his career
A 35-year veteran of the Federal Railroad Administration thought he was tooting his own horn when he stupidly responded to Musk: “Scheduled a 3-hour meeting to discuss the agenda for next week’s meeting about meetings.”
The employee who once applied to be an Accredited Whistle Tester with the agency also confessed to playing “six hours of Mexican Train with colleagues under the guise of strategic thinking training.” We think Mr. Musk is going to have to Choo Choo Choose this bonehead for forced retirement asap.
Swiss cheese for brains
It’s no secret that the U.S. Department of Agriculture employs professional cheese graders and licensed examiners to ensure the quality and safety of cheese, but did you know that they also employ numbskulls?
This employee, who we’re pretty sure wasn’t fibbing, wrote to Elon, “Crafted a 5-paragraph email to ask a yes/no question, then waited 3 days for a response before realizing I forgot to hit send.” The employee who is clearly not gouda at his job added, “Spent an entire afternoon drafting an out-of-office reply for a vacation I’m planning 6 months from now to Barcelona.” Yeah, we’re pretty sure that you won’t need a return ticket. Adios, amigo!
Flipped out over Feng Shui
A quality assurance Federal Coin Tosser with the U.S. Mint must’ve flipped Elon right out when he read: “Spent 4 hours rearranging my desk to achieve “optimal feng shui,” only to move everything back to the original setup.”
Musk, who’s no stranger to optimal design for better workflow, definitely didn’t buy into the they/thems next points, though, “Held a heated debate with HR about whether 2-hour “inspiration walks” in the nearby woods count as breaks under my union contract. And finally “Took second 2-hour “inspiration walk” to the supply closet to pick out a new pen color (settled on black).” Oh well, we can guarantee that the next signature on it/zur/we’s paycheck will be the last.
While it should be easy to get rid of these government paperweights, we’re not sure what Elon will do with the other millions just like them.
