As woke Hollywood fills their BIPOC mandate to cram writers’ rooms full of 50% people of colour, they’ve also begun to remake classics with a more colourful angle, like the new Little Mermaid starring Halle Bailey.
But some members of the Hollywood elite are taking the new diversity agenda to its ultimately racist egalitarian end. GWU! has learned that some studios are actually taking pitches for remakes of Black films, but redone with a higher White balance! Pop the popcorn and dim the lights as GWU! pulls back the curtains on a never before seen list of Black movies that are turning White. (Eat your heart out Michael Jackson—ed)
Guess Who’s Coming to Barbecue?
Steve Martin channels the groundbreaking performance of Sydney Poitier in this hilarious take on contemporary race relations. Watch as Martin tries to navigate his skinny white ass through a good old fashioned southern BBQ. Queen Latifah does not appear.
Sorority Sister Act
Amy Schumer is back in the habit. Of hilarity! Schumer takes over the titular role of Sister Deloris Van Cartier as originally played by Whoppie Goldberg. With Goldberg unable to play the role since coming down with TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome). Schumer is ready to sing a new song in this coming of age tale of a nun who questions her faith while taking a Gender Studies degree at Stanford. Amen? We think you mean Awoman!
Straight Outta Connecticut
Vancouver stoner Seth Rogan is a parking enforcer by day and gamer by night. You’ll want to be pressing continue as Rogan games his way into the hearts of America when he beats the odds and moves up out of Connecticut to Vermont. Ice Cube, however, refused a walk-on role as Rogan’s travel agent.
Black Panther III: White Tiger
As if stealing an Oscar from Angela Basset wasn’t racist enough, now Jamie Lee Curtis is set to star in the all-cracker cast third part of the box office hit franchise Black Panther. You’ll be gripped to your seat in this action packed thriller that sees the White Tiger wipe out an entire colony of poor indigenous settlers who claim the land is actually theirs. Where have we seen that before? Do we smell a reparation award?
Do the White Thing
Spike Jonez directed this offbeat comedy about a white insurance salesman on the hottest day of the year buying an air conditioner from Costco. Armed with only a shopping cart and an about to expire Costco Membership card, will he be able to find an air conditioner that will cool his two floor four bedroom and not black out the neighbourhood (see what we did there— ed).
Big Momma’s Beach House in the Hamptons
Roseanne Barr is back from her vacation to cancel culture in this hilarious in-your-face comedy about the struggles of a canceled millionaire trying to spend a peaceful summer in the Hamptons. Grab your favorite beach read and bring it with you to the theatre. Even staring at a book in the dark will be more entertaining than this flick.
Beverly Hills Cop-Out
Chris Pratt stars as a Golf Pro who works at the most expensive high end country club in Beverly Hills. But when the annual golf tournament takes place Pratt, who’s job is on the line, backs out of the tourney because of a pesky CGI gopher played by Jamie Foxx. (Also see Caddyshack-ed)
How Stella Got Her Yoga Membership Back
Reese Witherspoon is down and out. She’s lost her husband and beautiful brownstone after she made a Facebook comment about BLM’s missing millions in donations. When the Yoga studio calls to let her know that her membership has been canceled – it seems like life can’t get any worse for this beautiful blonde 40 something PR exec. Until Stella finds out – she’s 1/16th Black! (With Special Appearance by Sofía Vergara as Rosa Parks)
Alex Jones calls Witherspoon’s performance ‘Oscar worthy’ and Time Out Dubai gives it four stars.
12 Years a Slave (To Starbucks!) (Foreign Short Film)
Follow the epic multi-generational tale of Tara McMaster, as she endures minutes of hardship in line at Starbucks, only to have her name savagely mispronounced as Tarra! Will this mild mannered solid six MILF get out of line in time to stop for a pedicure before picking up her son Tanner from private school? Find out in Italian director Grande Venti’s new short.
Malcolm Has Two X Chromosomes
Trans activist Malcolm leads their minority of followers as they demand to prove that men can get pregnant and everyone who disagrees is a racist bigot. The period drama (no pun intended-ed) gets even crazier when Malcolm’s followers learn that he’s actually a biological white woman.
