The roaring successes of the universally loved and critically acclaimed Star Wars sequel trilogy and Phase 4 of the M-SHE-U, (two obscure franchises which were pretty much on life support prior to Disney’s timely acquisition) have effectively revitalized and updated both franchises for Modern Audiences™.
Despite this, Hollywood appears to be on the verge of catering to the extremely small yet vocal fringe-minority of alt-right, anti-woke man babies and transphobes who inhabit notorious right-wing echo chambers like YouTube and Twitter.
This shocking and dangerous backpedal away from identity politics, intersectional feminism and diversity quotas, (all topics film and tv audiences have been crying out for since the inception of cinema), can be seen in the ruthless cancellations of completed, woke films like DC’s stunning and brave Batgirl, endless delays of delicious MCU content like The Marvels, and the unfair firings and oustings of progressive CEOs and content creators like Bob Chapek and Victoria Alonso. Even Rian Johnson’s much-anticipated Star Wars trilogy (I literally FORCED in my pants when they announced it!) wasn’t spared the chopping block, subverting all our expectations!
WHO SAYS HOLLYWOOD IS JUST BRAIN DEAD PHONING IT IN?
With all this in mind, I have decided to single-handedly save all of Hollywood by releasing select pages of my original screenplays for heckin’ free over the next four weeks on Get Woke Up! These scripts were written during lockdown for a then-modern audience and updated since for a current-modern audience, and my hope is to crowd fund them through my twelve Mastodon followers.
To ensure equity and get some tax credits, I also have an extremely diverse and inclusive guerilla film crew on standby, mostly made up of friends, fellow activists and hungry film students. Our director is blind, our boom mic operator is completely deaf, and our lead actor is a trans midget with Down’s Syndrome and severe tourettes. Deal with it, chuds.
Pop the organic popcorn and taste what true enlightenment and entertainment tastes like in my new script:
DIE HARD REBOOT SEQUEL SIMPLY TITLED “DIE HARD”[We really need to get this one into production ASAP, folx. Bruce might not have long left and we need to make hay while the big man can still read from a cue card and mumble out “Yippee-Ki-Yay.” He doesn’t even need to talk for most of it, we can use sound bites from his other films!]
OPENING TITLE CRAWL inches up phallic downtown office tower with snow blowing across
The dead speak! The whole of Los Angeles has heard a mysterious broadcast, a threat of revenge in the sinister voice of the late Hans Gruber (we can tastefully and respectfully CGI Alan Rickman in for the vital climatic scene where he kills John McClane and twerks over his dead body. The extremely versatile Chris Pratt can provide his voice).
Chief of Police Al Powell dispatches his racist toxic male police force to gather intelligence, while Special Agent Doreen (played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge or possibly Jenna Ortega if she hasn’t been canceled yet), the last hope of the LAPD, trains for battle with a retired and broken John McClane (one last job, Bruce! C’mon, don’t be selfish, do it for the fans! Remember them?) in the heart of the dangerous and wild concrete jungle of Compton.
Meanwhile, Simon Gruber, having survived the helicopter explosion in New York, rages in search of his brother, determined to destroy any threat to his power…
EXT. NAKATOMI PLAZA – DAY
A limo driven by Argyle from the first film pulls up outside Nakatomi Plaza.
JOHN MCCLANE
(V.O)
Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.
INT. LIMO – DAY
Argyle turns around and looks at John and Doreen. For practical reasons whenever John is talking, the audience can only see the back of his shiny head.
ARGYLE
You sure you’re up to this, champ? Gruber made mincemeat out of you last time.
JOHN MCCLANE
(O.S; lifted from The Fifth Element)
I am a meat popsicle.
ARGYLE
Heh. That may be, but this guy – he came back from the dead, John. He’s a ghost.
JOHN MCCLANE
(O.S; lifted from the Sixth Sense)
What do you think these ghosts want when they talk to you?
ARGYLE
I don’t know, John. Just aim for the head, alright? Gruber could be a God damned zombie for all we know.
JOHN MCCLANE
(O.S; lifted from Pulp Fiction)
Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.
CUT TO
EXT. NAKATOMI PLAZA – DAY
John and Doreen exit Argyle’s limo.
DOREEN
So, here we are. A retired beat cop and a plucky young trans analyst with no experience in the field – facing a building full of undead super terrorists. The odds kind of seem stacked against us.
JOHN MCCLANE
(V.O)
Welcome to the party, pal!
[I’m just going to skip to the end here, but rest assured though that the fuse to blow up the patriarchy has been lit. John’s character – and by extension Bruce Willis – will be thoroughly deconstructed and ritualistically humiliated throughout the film in order to prop up our new strong female character, (ME) as that’s what modern audiences truly crave.]
INT. NAKATOMI PLAZA – FLOOR 30 – NIGHT
CGI Hans Gruber and his remaining band of extremely white terrorists hold several hostages at gunpoint. John’s ex-wife Holly Gennero is among the hostages.
HOLLY
Okay, Hans. Seriously, how in the Hell did you survive that fall?
HANS
The dark web of the internet is an alt-right pipeline to many abilities some consider to be… unnatural.
A visibly haggard and emasculated John McClane and an emboldened and badass Doreen round the corner. Hans aims his gun squarely at them.
JOHN MCCLANE
(V.O)
Happy trails, Hans!
HANS
McClane… your journey nears its end.
JOHN MCCLANE
(V.O)
Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. Yippee-ki-yay!
HANS
Erm… yeah. Anyway, long have I waited and now, your coming together with Doreen is your undoing.
DOREEN
What do you mean, chud?
HANS
You’re a Gruber. My Granddaughter.
DOREEN
That– that can’t be true– it can’t!
JOHN MCCLANE
(V.O)
Does it sound like I’m ordering a pizza?!
Hans cackles and shoots at McClane, killing him with little fanfare.
DOREEN
Nooooo!
Doreen rushes forward and pushes Hans through the same exact window he fell through in the first film. Holly hugs Doreen.
HOLLY
Thank you, you single handedly saved us all! What’s your name?
DOREEN
(beat)
Doreen… Doreen McClane.
[Smash cut to black. Audience applauds. Academy Awards all around.]
