Letter to the Editor
Dear Kevin and Karen
I have a White boys for Kamala problem in my house. Specifically my husband and three adult bi-racial sons who became obsessed with Presidential candidate Kamala Harris over the summer and won’t stop talking about her. At first, I thought it was kind of cute. They were inspired by their heroes Mark Hamill, Mark Ruffalo and Josh Groban raising $4 million for Harris and volunteering for her campaign. I’m all for my family being engaged in the electoral process, but we’ve never been an especially ‘political’ family. I’m a registered independent and my husband only ever voted once—for Hilary Clinton, because he thought it would be ‘funny’. As a Black woman I’m just worried that my hubby and boys are becoming MAGA-style wrapped up in race. What should I do?
Worried in Wyoming
Dear Worried,
Boy, that sounds like a real problem, ya’ll. A problem for Donald Trump! All women know that Trump is not their ally. His vile views on protecting unborn girls, keeping men out of female sports, and policies pledging to never send your boys to die in foreign wars are clearly anti-feminist. Have you considered that the reason they have become obsessed with Kamala is because she is the HOPE and CHANGE and JOY that America needs to plot a fresh future with an establishment candidate who was VP for four years? While my wife Karen’s boyfriend and I avoid films and music by white people, I too look to celebrities to re-enforce my already deeply held beliefs I read in The New York Times.
Don’t judge your boys for trying to save you from living in Gilead under the giant orange thumb of Trump. While the future is most certainly female, it’s best to move out of the way and let men make sure it is.
— Kevin
Attention: Worried
Now that my partner Kevin is done mansplaining why you’re a stupid c*nt, allow me to elaborate why.
It’s clear that you’re a bad mother and a worse wife. While I have no children of my own (due to Kevin’s limp libido) and do not respect the institution of marriage (it’s a literal cage for women) I can see what your problem is. And that problem is that you’re racist.
Yes, you heard me, racist. And I do not use that term lightly. In fact, I only even say it a dozen times a day. While your Homer Simpson husband and lazy offspring have at least identified the problem with America (whiteness) you are stuck in the Jim Crow era where Black LGBTQAI+ allies such as myself would have been burned at the stake. (For the record, yes, I am a practicing Witch. Deal with it: ‘Jesus’!)
Maybe if a braindead trailer park trash rotter such as yourself had done your job and produced spawn that actually left the house instead of hanging around like cockroaches we wouldn’t need a strong and brave meme-able Black/Indian/Jamaican/Irish woman to come and save us. It’s like my new boyfriend Jamal says: “Women belong on top, that way they can screw you better.”
— Karen
