Outgoing President Joe Biden’s pardon of his son Hunter (no surprise to anyone except the MSM—ed) has left Washington insiders speculating if sleepy Joe has finally slid off his rocker. Sources close to the White House are fearful that with Joe’s declining cognitive abilities already on retirement—is there anyone he won’t pardon?
America’s Number One Source of Newstainment, GWU! has elected itself pardoner-in-chief of who could be next on Sleepy Joe’s insane pardon list.
No Joy to be Reid on air
With the holidays here Biden is almost certainly thinking there is no better time to pardon exclusionary and hateful newsreader Joy Reid from MSNBC. Purple haired witch Reid stirred the pot before Thanksgiving in a live-to-air hate filled rant that advised viewers to not celebrate the holidays with MAGA family members. With more than half the nation firmly in MAGA country, Reid has become public enemy number one and been found guilty of political extremism by the court of public opinion. Biden, who’s radical left wing policies emboldened Reid the last four years, will probably consider issuing the overpaid bingo caller a presidential pardon because he also likes to wear jammies to work.
Please pardon Our Democracy™
Hundreds of so-called ‘Capital Rioters’ will be next on Biden’s list of wild pardons. While this may seem like an odd choice, keep in mind that Biden, while nuts, is still a maverick at heart and wants his legacy to demonstrate that. The aviator wearing octogenarian may be thinking that the best way to buck the system and screw the new boss is to do the exact opposite of what his enemies and allies expect. He’ll get to beat Trump to pardoning the Jan 6ers and piss off the Dem cabal that insurrected him from office. Winning! Also, somewhere in his ice cream frozen brain he knows Jan 6th wasn’t an insurrection and the whole thing was manufactured by that bitch Nancy Pelosi.
The View behind bars
While never actually charged or convicted of any crime except being on the wrong side of every social and political issue for the better part of a decade, producers of The View are said to be secretly lobbying Biden for Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin, Ana Navarro, Sara Haines, and even Alyssa Farah Griffin to all receive Presidential pardons—to be used at a later date when Trump takes office. The forward thinking is that Trump will jail these members of the Fake News Media as retribution for their past lies and slander against him and the Republicans. The cast of The View are worried however that Biden might not see things their way. Biden is said to still feel slighted after Kamala was invited on the show instead of him and may or may not actually pre-pardon his former gal pals. TV insiders have leaked that the entire pre-pardon production deal rests on Sunny Hostin agreeing to read a series of uncomfortable legal notices on air about how ice cream does not freeze your brain.
If vote for Snow White, you ain’t black
The star of the new woke Snow White film, Rachel Zegler, is no babe in the woods when it comes to asking for forgiveness. After Trump’s win the POC PC princess took to Instagram for an anti-Trump rant saying: “May Trump supporters and Trump voters and Trump himself never know peace.” The Disney family movie actress ended her expletive laden tirade with the graceful summary: “Fuck Donald Trump.” She has since deleted and apologized for the post, saying her emotions got the better of her. Biden is rumored to be calling for clemency for the actress, so that the nation can heal. He’s also asking for the bed time of the 7 dwarfs, so he can kiss them all goodnight.
I jab your pardon?
With America’s Top Doctor, Tony Pfauci likely to be brought up for crimes against humanity any day now (still waiting—ed), the grifting medical mobster is hoping Biden will prescribe him a preemptive pardon before the public can grab him by his dirty bat soup stained lab coat. Complicit in pushing useless and harmful lock downs, conducting gain of function research, spreading misinformation and profiting off of the dangerous ‘safe and effective’ vaccine, Pfauci is hoping to inoculate himself against incarceration. Biden, who never pushed back on Little Tony’s pandemic tantrum demands, is said to be preparing a pardon just before Trump assumes office on January 20. A date which Biden has ominously warned to be: “The Winter of Death, Part Deux.”
