Kensington Palace has released a hostage-style video of “Kate Middleton” that instead of clarifying where the royal princess is, has only led to further speculation about her actual whereabouts. 

“If this is Kate Middleton then I’m the King of Spain,” mocks our very own Clammy J. Byner who has covered the Palace for nearly half a decade. 

Byner says that the new video has left many wondering if Kate should blink twice if she’s being held against her will, or if, like the Mother’s Day photoshopped photo, this is just another bizarre psyop distraction from actual news such as: 

1. CIA ‘Terror Attack’ in Russia  
2. Palestinian genocide.
3. Vaccine-induced cancer deaths that are now commonplace in the UK and around the world.
4. NATO entering Kiev and the start of WW3.

In the video, which has not been independently verified by GWU!, a grainy looking “Kate” in heavy makeup is seated on an oversized bench in a seemingly green screen park, populated by bird sound effects straight out of the BBC’s foley archive. In a clearly scripted and poorly acted speech, Kate explains that her “disappearance” was due to a sudden cancer diagnosis during a routine abdominal surgery in mid-January.

While mainstream media was quick to confirm the report, and retract three week’s of now retroactive ‘conspiracy theories’, many, including our Royal Watcher Byner, doubts the authenticity of the video. 

“This is not the Princess of Wales,” Byner affirms to GWU! over the phone from an undisclosed gay bar in central London. “The person in this video is clearly the same clone who trolled millions of people over the weekend at Windsor Farms. It could also be AI though.” 

Video Killed the Princess Star

Video experts, who analyzed the video at the request of GWU!, note a number of peculiarities with the amateur production.

Our 5K experts question the ‘set’ which is a relaxed ‘outdoor park’—a jarring contradiction to the scripted, stilted delivery that the actress in the video reads her lines with. 

“It hits all the predictable points,” they explain from their Moscow office via Microsoft Teams. Those points include:

1. Offering up an implausible timeline chain of events that ‘explain’ nothing.
2. The video is so poorly lit and framed that it appears to be shot on a flip phone.
3. There is no specific information on what Turbo cancer she has. 
4. Kate is missing her trademark mole on the left cheek.
5. The ridiculous claims that her husband loves her and is totally not cheating on her. Come on!
6. “I have children who think I’m going to die. Why are you all such gossipy monsters?” 
7. A woman known to never wear the same thing twice is wearing the identical sweater she wore in 2016 at an event for mental health in the same park.
8. The sweater appears to have an un-natural reflection on the surface of the bench as if it’s a AI mistake.
9. “Did I mention I have children?” 
10. Her uncanny, stilted voice sounds artificial, almost like it was generated by AI.  
11. Cancer is now totally normal, even for the King and Kate, everybody gets cancer now …. for some weird reason that no one is allowed to talk about.  
12. “You’re all monsters.” 

Byner theorizes that the entire production is nothing new with the Palace. “Whether it was the murder of Diana or hiding the dirty deeds of Prince Andrew you can’t believe a word these lizards say.” 

He also postulates that Kate was either forced to record the video by the Royal Family or made some sort of deal with them in order to distract from some other scandal, as evidenced by her uncomfortable mannerisms and the strange word salad script.

The Royal Watcher sighs that the speculation is really all: “just a bunch of nonsense about people you will never meet and aren’t who they pretend to be. But it sure makes for a great distraction from things that are happening that actually matter.”