Elon Musk’s Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has uncovered a series of eyebrow-raising expenditures by USAID.
Musk says that the propaganda and money laundering agency, which was recently shut down by President Trump was a: “a viper’s nest of radical-left marxists who hate America,” “evil” and “a criminal organization.”
Operating for decades under the auspices of ‘global humanitarian aid’ numerous shady revelations about what American’s tax dollars have been wasted on are now being exposed by Musk and his team of investigators.
MoMoney MoProblems
At the top of DOGE’s list of wasteful spending is President Biden’s $10 million “Afghanistan Anti-Corruption Campaign” that somehow ended up funding a luxury villa for a local warlord. According to DOGE documents, the villa featured a gold-plated toilet and a private helipad. When questioned, a recently fired USAID spokesperson told America’s Number 1 Source of Newstainment, GWU! “We were trying to build trust with local stakeholders. Sometimes trust looks like a gold toilet.”
Then there’s the $40 million spent on a “Youth Recreation Center” in Iraq, which was supposed to provide a safe space for young people to play sports and learn life skills. Instead, the center became a hangout for militia groups, who reportedly used the basketball courts for military drills. Our DOGE informant quipped, “Turns out, the only thing they were dribbling was indoctrination.”
But wait, it gets better. USAID also shelled out $2.5 million for a “Goat Distribution Program” in Pakistan, aimed at empowering women by giving them goats to raise for milk and income. While the idea sounds noble, the execution was less so. Many of the goats were either too old to produce milk or, in some cases, not even goats at all. “We thought it was a goat,” one recipient told DOGE. “It was a male sheep. And it was mean when we tried to milk it.”
A farcical $1.5 million was spent on a “Democracy Promotion” program in Venezuela, which included funding for a telenovela (Spanish Soap Opera—ed) about a heroic opposition leader fighting against a corrupt regime. The show was canceled after three episodes due to low ratings. “It turns out people prefer their telenovelas to have more drama and fewer lectures about civic engagement,” a USAID official admitted to DOGE investigators.
But the real head-scratchers come from USAID’s gender equity and LGBTQ+ initiatives. Take, for example, the $500,000 spent on a “Gender-Sensitive Farming Toolkit” in Kenya, which included pink shovels and instructions on how to plant crops while “embracing your feminine energy.” One farmer, interviewed by DOGE, said, “I don’t need a pink shovel. I need a tractor that works.”
An even uglier $750,000 was allocated to a “Transgender Beauty Pageant” in Thailand, aimed at promoting LGBTQ+ visibility and acceptance. While the event was well-attended, critics questioned whether it was the best use of humanitarian funds. “I’m all for inclusivity,” said one DOGE investigator, “but maybe we could’ve started with something more basic, like clean water or healthcare.”
Doge Dug it’s own grave
When reached for comment, a USAID spokesperson who temporarily escaped the mass firing of 10,000 of his co-workers defended the agency’s track record, saying, “Not every program can be a home run. Sometimes you swing for the fences and end up with a goat. Or a sheep. Or a pink shovel. Whatever.”
DOGE, however, isn’t laughing. “This isn’t just about wasted money,” said one investigator. “It’s about accountability. And maybe a little less creativity in the budgeting process.”
As the scandal unfolds, one thing is clear: USAID’s spending could use a fact-checker. Thankfully, Elon knows the difference between a goat and a sheep.
