Vegans Have A Bigger Carbon Footprint Than They Think

How hipster diets are literally killing the planet!!!

With COVID-19 over and Russia taking control of Ukraine, shrinking your carbon footprint has become the next current thing. But before you begin measuring your carbon footprint and buying an electric car, you may want to examine this new agenda a little closer. Does going vegan even benefit the planet? 

Yes, we all have that vegan friend. The one who only eats ‘plant-based’ and makes comments that you smell like meat and milk, but did you know that they may be just as problematic for the planet as your tasty juicy Whopper from Burger King?

It’s time to Get Woke Up! about the five vegan foods that have a carbon footprint louder than Justin Trudeau’s socks flying around the world during the Covid-19 pandemic.

5. Avocados are the Pitts!

TOAST WITH THE MOST CARBON FOOTPRINT: Hey Mad Dug, What did the toast say to the avocado at the party? I don’t know Anthony, what did the toast say to the avocado at the party? That’s quite the spread.

We’ve all seen social media posts with pictures of a sexy sliced avocado laying on a perfectly toasted piece of bread. But did you know that this cute little green fruit is actually a big fat slut when it comes to massive environmental damage? It’s true! The mass demand from hipsters and vegans around the world has caused astronomical shortages in Mexico (the home of the avocado), resulting in obscene amounts of deforestation to grow the little buggers. Added to that, avocados need a hell of a lot of water to get them oh so perfect for that Park Slope picnic. 

Sally Pearson, a professional sleep coach from Crown Heights, NY, says “I love avocados, but knowing the process that goes into making them I can’t pretend that I’m helping the planet. I might as well be idling my SUV in Times Square all day. I mean, if I had an SUV, only rich dick heads would drive those pollution machines. Like Trumpers.” 

4. Mushrooms for Every Fun Guy 

WANNA GET HIGH?: Mushrooms have long been known for their mind altering and some would say ‘magic’ properties but did you know mushrooms can also be eaten? Far out!

Another nutrient-dense vegan staple is the humble mushroom. Used in everything from vegan burgers to plant-based meals, it has become an increasingly vital part of every non-meat eater’s diet. And yet, they have a surprisingly large impact on the environment, according to a study, funded by the US Department of Agriculture. The study found that producing a kilogram of Agaricus bisporus (these are the popular button, Chestnut and Portobello mushrooms available in supermarkets) can emit between 2.13- 2.95kg of CO2. Talk about a mushroom cloud!

“For me, it seems to make more sense to microdose mushrooms instead of ordering them on my extra large Little Caesars pie,” pipes Sally. 

3. Almond Brothers from Another Mother

GOT ALMOND MILK?: It may seem nuts but milking jokes about almonds can help lower your risk of serious health conditions like stroke, heart disease, and even cancer. But really, laughter is the best medicine according to our well read and tattered copy of Milton Berle’s 101 ‘Jokes About Foods for Hippies‘.

Almonds and other tree nuts are hailed by those following a vegan diet due to their versatility in plant-based cooking and their high protein content. Added to that, the popularity of almonds has surged alongside the rise of non-dairy milks. But much like those thirsty avocados, tree nuts require up to 1000 gallons of water for every 1kg of nuts in your local hipster grocery store /art gallery. Almonds in particular also require a large amount of pesticide and fertilizer, which hugely increases their carbon footprint. Added to that, nuts also require a lot of real estate. Some estimates are that 23,000 acres of natural land have been converted to almond farms.

Almond aficionado, Greg Ruck, a part time barista and full time, unpaid Twitter climate activist says, “Climate change is a serious threat and in no way a conspiracy. To be honest, it just makes more sense to stuff two nuts in your mouth than a thick sausage.” 

2. Tofu to Meet You

MMMM FAKE MEAT SOUP: Nothing keeps you warm on a cold rainy day like slathering your naked body head to toe in this Asian created soya based jelly. Wait…. people…. EAT IT!? GROSS!!!

Tofu is a hugely popular food among vegans due to its meat-like texture and the myriad ways in which it can be enjoyed and flavoured. However, it has come under scrutiny in recent years, with some researchers claiming it might actually be worse than meat!

Dr Graham McAuliffe of the Rothamsted Institute explained, “Without a doubt, peas and ground nuts always have a lower environmental impact than any livestock products,” he said. “But if you look at tofu, which is processed, there is more energy going into its production, when you correct for the fact that the protein in it is not as digestible compared to the meat-based products.” Not to mention that Soybeans are a rich source of a set of estrogen molecules called “isoflavones.”

Mary Whitehouse, a Chiago based freelance digital artist says that she stopped serving tofu at the supper table after her husband began developing Man-Titties. “I mean I experimented with girls in college, but I certainly don’t want to start sharing a bra with my husband.” 

1. Cocoa for Virtue Signalling Puffs

THIS DARK CHOCOLATE HAS A DARK SIDE: How could something so delicious, sweet and pure be bad for you? Wait just a few years after marriage to this lovely sugar and you’ll find out guys.

Cocoa has become increasingly popular among vegans due to its rich magnesium content. It’s also a key ingredient in plant-based baking; however, like avocado, cocoa production hugely contributes to deforestation, with cocoa plantations estimated to spark the loss of two to three million hectares of tropical forest between 1988 and 2008. Additionally, deforestation is occurring in locations that are key for biodiversity, such as the Amazon, West Africa and South East Asia. As a result of the issue, which is only increasing as demand for chocolate increases, Mondelez International, which owns some of the largest chocolate companies in the world, such as Cadbury, has partnered with other cocoa companies and governments to launch the Cocoa & Forests Initiative (CFI), which hopes to put an end to cocoa- related deforestation. If this sounds like virtue signalling woke washing—that’s because it is.

Mary says, “When my husband goes on a work trip, my guilty pleasure is finding a nice piece of chocolate to sink my teeth into. Sometimes that may be a KitKat and other times it might be a former NBA player. Wait, you’re not going to print my name, right?”

Franklin Moonbeam
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Mr. Moonbeam acknowledges the lands of the Mississaugas of the Anishinaabe, the Haudenosaunee Confederacy and the Wendat. He also recognizes the enduring presence of all First Nations, Métis and the Inuit peoples. His pronouns are IN/HIS/BIO.

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