The recent Toronto Pride Parade was not the organic vibrant love fest uniting the LGBTQQIP2SAA+ community and its so-called ‘thousands’ of supporters that the mainstream media would have you believe.

In fact, GWU! team coverage of Toronto Pride reveals it was nothing more than a corporate virtue signaling ad, attended by bored suburban housewives, and very few actual gay people.  

Our reportage starts with Rafe Klinger who was first on the scene

“The parade, of course, did not begin until late in the afternoon,” reports our veteran journalist. He explains that this is based on the historic origins of the event that originally had actual gay people attending.

“As we all know, gay men like to spend Saturday nights running a popper induced train (don’t forget the horse tranquilizer—ed) and often have trouble crawling out of their dirty sheets the next morning. It’s a cultural thing!” 

Klinger, who was at the event from ‘Gay morning’ aka 2:00 p.m. to ‘Gay afternoon’ aka 10:00 p.m. says that past parades were a well-intentioned gathering of gay men and lesbian women advocating for their rights; however, the current incarnation has transitioned into a ‘money grabbing parody.’

“The entire parade featured flatbed trucks festooned with gayified corporate banners held by unenthusiastic bank employees. The dead-eyed wage slaves all looked like they were being held hostage by the one token tranny being paid to twerk in the middle of them.”   

There did seem to be at least one parade death marcher enjoying being a part of the festivities, however. “The driver of the Purolator truck was really rocking out the whole time. Either that or he was having a seizure.” (On a totally unrelated note, during the ‘pandemic’ Purolator required all it’s employees to be vaccinated with the experimental mRNA gene therapy often incorrectly called a ‘vaccine’ -ed)

LOVE OF MONEY IS LOVE

GWU! columnist Toby P. Gelman was stationed next to a hot dog vendor on Wellesley St. demanding that the Pride movement “Keep Your Rainbow Flavoured Sausage Out of the Classrooms.”

Gelman says that he received a lot of high fives, especially from out of place Indian men posing for mocking photos in front of trannys. “New Canadians understand this scam instantly. They know that only women can give birth and don’t have sausages.”

Toby’s brave protest against gender ideology comes at a time when hate and intolerance is rising against normal people who just want to be left alone. “The anti-family, anti-nature, anti-religion rhetoric is everywhere in our society. We have governments and schools pushing unscientific immoral behaviours, enough is enough,” barks the husband and father of six.

While Toby felt his message hit home with a lot of folks, he’s a bit worried that the city’s new CCP inspired regime will eventually persecute free thinkers like him.

THIS THING WAS SO GAY

Frequent Flamer and self identifying ‘old fag’ Clammy J. Byner agrees that the Parade has lost much of the meaning it once held in the gay community. 

“This was a corporate event mandated by HR,” confirms our resident Friend of Dorothy. “The most horrific thing I saw was a confused looking mother and her small child attempting to leave Longos grocery store with a cucumber through a thick as rice throng of summer dress wearing Asian International students.” 

While this was a relatively sanitized celebration of hedonism Clammy did recognize some hold overs from the gay old times. “My old boytoys; Terry and Vic and Black Dave were there flashing their shriveled up junk decorated with cock rings in front of school-aged children. I reminded them that none of us are in our 20s anymore but they just turned the other cheek.”

Pride organizers told GWU! that the event hosted more than 250 different groups. Clammy confirms that the day was a massive ‘coming together over a movement that separates,’ citing the various disgusting factions sharing the parade; ugly nudists, degenerate furries and… Toronto politicians. Yuck! 

In the words of Toronto’s so-called Dear Leader Chairman Chow ‘Pride is political’

Liberal Chrystia Freeland, Canada’s first openly trans MP, Toronto Mayor-Elect Chairman Chow (Get Woke Up! does not support the Toronto election results, as it was compromised by the CCP—ed) and ‘here to save Toronto’ candidate Xiao Hua Gong were all in attendance.

“Young people really connected with the Gongshow,” oozes Byner. “But his vague promises about the economy, the Metaverse, and free TTC travel were all thrown under the bus by mocking revelers on the route.” 

Byner says the hundreds of parade goers carrying free Gong signs mostly seemed to think his candidacy was a meme joke. “One saucy young stud laughed, telling me that he was taking his Gong election sign home for his dorm room as a Pride souvenir.”

GWU! Podcast DJ’s Mad Dug and Anthony headed up our broadcast coverage with live updates

Anthony called the sparsely attended free music concert at Nathan Phillips Square a ‘Whos who of Canadian nobodies.’ The former ‘Saskatchewan Live Drive’ host of 89.7 ‘The Moose’ DJ says the highlight of the evening’s performance ‘I Wish You Were Gay.’ 

“The profanity laced cover of the Billie Eilish song was certainly an, interesting choice, for a ‘family friendly event’.”

Mad Dug, however, celebrated the success of the Nathan Phillips Square celebration citing the amount of people sticking their feet in the wading pool. “It’s technically not allowed, but you know what they say, in the heat of Pride, anything goes.”

Anthony reports that the basically empty closing event was mostly attended by Millennial posers more interested in capturing pictures of drag queens, as though they were on safari.  

As the smell of pot mingled with the overpowering stench of overflowing garbage bins Toronto Pride GWU! Team coverage came to a disgusting close. Now if only someone would take out the garbage. 

With files from Rafe Klinger, Rita Jr., Toby P. Gelman, Clammy J. Byner, Johnny Jock, Mad Dug Duchamp, and Anthony Anderson