For Jamal Washington, being CEO of a global tech firm wasn’t a career he ever even considered. That all changed after the very public overdose of George Floyd and the ensuing Black Lives Matter movement that followed. Suddenly, underqualified, inexperienced Black men like Washington found themselves in positions they never imagined possible—complete with six-figure salaries, stock options, and corner offices.
“Yo, I’s is from the streets,” Washington tells GWU! from his penthouse overlooking midtown Manhattan. Sipping on a glass of Louis XIII he reflects: “Who’d a thunk that the Dollar General night security guard could be running a big ass company like dis?”
It’s true. This isn’t some Boomer comedy movie starring Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy—this is reality for many Black men who are giving soulless corporate America a bit of soul (while sowing a whole lot of chaos).
Undercover Brother
According to employment experts, these so-called DEI hires are taking full advantage of their newfound fortunes. One HR rep from San Francisco, who GWU! is keeping anonymous for fear of reprisal from her employer, tattles on the boardroom “brothers” that she’s heard of widespread abuse by DEI hires in her Fortune 500 company that rhymes with RaceBook.
“They’re commandeering the company jet for joyrides with their extended families, turning boardrooms into cookout spots, and transforming the annual office party into a full-fledged block party—complete with X-rated rappers, barbecue ribs, and collard greens.”
“What the hell are collard greens anyway?” she asks. (We also don’t know—ed)
While that all sounds like harmless 1980s movie fun, the growing trend is making both shareholders and corporate watchdogs nervous. And some are describing the new CEOs as lazy, slow, and dumb, which as GWU! readers know, wouldn’t be any different from the white guys they replaced.
Trading Places
Washington, however, disputes the claim that he is underqualified, bragging that he isn’t just commanding the company he was installed to lead—he’s also running multiple side businesses under the radar. He slipped to GWU! he used company funds to launch a sneaker resale operation, storing inventory in the corporate warehouse. Yet another DEI executive, Marcus “Big Bank” Thompson, secretly brags to GWU! that he hijacked his department’s equity budget into seed money for a strip club start-up venture.
“Yo! It’s all about dahversahfyahng ya portfolaho,” Thompson laughs with a gold-toothed grin when questioned. “We jus’ dahversahfahed ahnta … female entertaahnment.”
White Chicks on Top
Then there’s the hiring spree. DEI initiatives were initially meant to bring in underrepresented talent, resulting in so-called DEI pets, as previously reported by GWU!, but some executives have taken it as an opportunity to bring in every cousin, childhood friend, and baby mama from the projects.
“My man Lil’ Ray ain’t never coded a day in his life,” one DEI director admits to GWU! “But he got vibes, you feel me? I just told the white bitch in HR to put him in ‘social media strategy’ or somethin’.”
Corporate retreats? More like family vacations. One Silicon Valley DEI hire boasts to GWU! that he booked a “team-building” trip to Cabo—only for HR to later discover that the “team” consisted of his record producer, his barber, a former cellmate from Sing Sing, and his Instagram influencer girlfriend known online as ‘Afrolicious SweetThang’.
“It was team-building,” he argues. “We built trust. You have to trust people you’re getting blackout (no pun intended?—ed) drunk with every night in a foreign country, rightttttt?”
Brewster’s Bajillions
But not everyone is laughing. Some employees—especially those who spent years climbing the corporate ladder—are justifiably furious.
“I got an MBA from Wharton and had to grind for a decade just to get to Jr. VP,” one white exec fumes to GWU! “These ‘brothers’ show up in Air Force 1s talking about ‘vibes’ and get handed the keys to the kingdom? It’s madness. Also, I’m part Mohawk, but no one ever asked! Where’s my puff on the peace pipe?”
But Washington just shrugs at the mounting criticism. “Look, America been exploiting us for centuries. Now it’s just our turn.”
As discrimination lawsuits pile up and shareholders demand audits, one thing is clear: Corporate America wanted diversity, but when they drank the Grape diversity Kool-Aid, they didn’t know about the terrible aftertaste.
And Washington? He’s already planning his next big corporate career move.
Putting his Air Force 1s up on his 14th-century French office desk, he laughs: “Y’all thought this was about equity? Nah. This is a heist.”
