-with files from Rita Jr. 

The 72 gender crowd is always demanding to ‘be seen’ but for normal people, it can be difficult to identify the sheep of this confused flock. That’s why as a pubic… er… public service, GWU! has conferred with our resident staff Wokester to separate the WHAT from the SHE/SHAFT to educate our readers on how to identify a THEY/THEM.    

THE FACTS THAT DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR 72 FEELINGS 

“You basically start with a base level of self loathing in the formation of all THEY/THEMS,” explains GWU! Wokespert Lisa Donnelly. “Usually it’s a gangly white girl or a plus-sized minority type cut and paste woke gender confusion operation from there because all they do is copy each other. So they can be original.” 

THE CLOTHING MAKES THE THEY/THEM 

“The uniform of a gender-fluid follower is typically tight and low cut clothing with unpleasant bits of flesh oozing out at the seams,” observes Donnelly. There can be variations though. She continues that some will opt instead for loose-fitting tank tops to hide bound breasts, imitation leather jackets and 80s style blouses (she’s not sure why on that one). 

“The ones that you typically see hanging around listlessly on downtown streets often wear unplugged imitation retro wired headphones around their neck. They think it’s cute, or something.” 

Nostalgia is always in style with them as the theys have a “never gonna give you up tainted love of 80s and 90s clothing.” For biological boys and girls alike, she says that denim backpacks covered in badges of various causes they have no skin in are all the rage. “Buttons like ‘Stop Hawaiian Hate,’ ‘Make This An Elevator Union Shop,’ and ‘Vegans Against the Monarchy’.”

TAGGED, YOU’RE AN IT

It’s important for non-binary folks to know what tribe they belong to, says Donnelly. “Of course we all know it’s the Mental Industrial Complex, but that’s another list,” chuckles our Wokespert. THEY/THEMS almost always have one of or all of the following ‘body art’: Piercings of the nose, mouth and wrong spot on the ears, sleeve tattoos, short messily stylized hair dyed unnatural colors.

They are also generally hairy. “They think that because the feminist movement told them they could be gross and not shave their pits, it’s attractive. Uh, sorry, you may be a feminist but you’re no Jane Fonda in a leotard, and you could really do with a 30-10,000 minute workout.”

HE/HIMPOSTERS

Even more embarrassing is that the non-binary boffins are their genderfluid groupies who make up a surprising number of the social contagion social movement. “You’ve got the ‘male variants’ who are always 4-ft nerds trying to hit on non-binary ‘girls.’ They will assert the Pride mantra in exchange for the chance to hang out with female them/thems thinking they’ll score. They won’t.”

But Donnelly says it’s a clear miss for their balls every time. “Painting your nails and having disgustingly dehydrated hair in an attempt to woo a female IT, isn’t going to work. Neither is feigning interest in K-Pop. It’s like a sad update on the ‘hetero male pretending to be gay to get the girl in an 80s film trope’. Where’s the Beef, amirite?”

HABITAT FOR THEYMANITY

While most THEY/THEMS are generally nomadic, there is a lot of predictability as to where to find one in the wild. “They like the big city. It’s easier to be weird there where no one you know will see you and tell your mom.” For their safety from the violence of words that they imagine being hurled at them like poison tips knives they generally travel in packs known in the animal kingdom as ‘Protests.’

“The protests generally have to do with made up gender injustices involving bathrooms, grown men in dresses reading to children, and colored flags.” They can often also extend to even more ridiculous protests though says Donnelly, such as ones for unions.  

“Those particular breeding grounds for gender confused Wokelers don’t last more than a few years, thankfully,” assures Donnelly. She says that most multigender young people grow out of the whole thing and will end their gender confusion at mental health clinics, becoming boring old straight or gay. “You know what they say, Bi now, Gay later.”