Far-right grifters Project Veritas are making news in the conspiracy theory Qmmunity again. This time the Covid-19 deniers have posted videos that allegedly show a Pfizer employee humbly explaining to his Grindr date – who unbeknownst to xim/xer is an undercover “reporter” shilling for Project Veritas – how Pfizer intends to continue saving lives by harmlessly mutating the Covid virus in a lab.

Get ready to roll your eyes and throw your arms up in the air in exasperation at what I’m about to tell you, folx. The Trump obsessed slimy MAGGAts on the white supremacist message board Twitter have taken this exchange completely out of context. Veritas is claiming that this is somehow evidence that there are shady goings-on at pharma giant Pfizer! They ridiculously claim our pharmaceutical heroes are engaged in some sort of bioterrorism, like a real life version of the Umbrella Corporation. Preposterous!

If you haven’t seen the videos, GOOD, keep it that way. All you need to know is that it’s a massive nothing-burger with a side of misinformation-fries, all coated in a creamy truth clogging conspiracy dressing. This sticky white lie sauce will leave you with a severe case of diarrhea as you attempt to digest the festering flimflammery you’ve just swallowed. Save yourself the migraines and stomach cramps and let me and the legacy media do the thinking for you.

I’m honestly so sick of James O’Keefe (the head of Project Veritas and Florida man’s Chris Hanson) and his gang of cackling, mustache-twirling villains that I feel compelled to take a break from railing against the evils of Capitalism to lend my expert advice on catfishing and Grindr dates to the mega corporations most at risk from these pathetic conmen. We Not Me is all about protecting the vulnerable.

I have compiled the answers to our totally trustworthy corporations most frequently asked questions. These helpful tips will keep pesky Conservatard ‘reporters’ from dry humping the skeletons in their closet! 

IS THE 3RD DATE TOO SOON TO DISCUSS MY COMPANY’S PLANS FOR GENOCIDE?

This is a tricky one. Honesty and transparency are key to any healthy relationship. You don’t want to find out when you’re knuckle deep into your romance that your partner isn’t as morally flexible as you are. I would say that the third date MIGHT be too soon to start discussing the shady practices your company is involved in.

Test the waters with a salacious yet ultimately perfectly legal and unprovable lie or half-truth. Think to yourself – WWZD? (What Would Zuckerberg Do?) If a potted plant or shrubbery nearby quivers with excitement at the prospect of a big scoop, you know you’re being honeypotted and should brace yourself for when James O’Keefe emerges from his dastardlier clever hiding place to ambush you.

IS THAT A MICROPHONE IN XER POCKET OR ARE XEY JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME?

If your man-hunk turns up to the date wearing a 1930s noir-style fedora with a Press Pass sticking out of it with a full length trench coat covering up the goods, then you just might be at the heart of a sting operation. No need to panic.

First, confirm that your date is indeed an undercover reporter by turning your gobblin-like ears towards them. Listen closely for any beeping or whirring noises emanating from across the table. Do you hear that? It’s you being screwed, but not in the way you had hoped for. Once you have confirmed that xey are bristling with surveillance equipment, head to the bar and ask the staff to let you shelter-in-place … in the pastry kitchen until you are safe to leave (and full of bonbons).

Alternatively, you can be a bit cheeky and turn the tables on your would-be trenchcoated exposer. Start questioning xem about things that will make them uncomfortable. Be subtle. Make them feel guilty for being part of a profession that claimed the angelic life of Princess Diana and the pure innocence of Meghan Markle by bringing up those very things as a casual conversation piece. Gottcha, Paparazzo!

THE EYES ARE THE ZOOM WINDOW TO THE SOUL

If you want to stay safe in more ways than one, then I highly suggest you conduct all your dates over Zoom until you are comfortable enough to meet in-person. Deepthroating this way will help you weed out potential Project Veritas spies, who simply won’t have the patience or bandwidth required to carry on spying on you. The Internet is notoriously bad in Russia due to the harsh climate and poor living conditions, with most of it being prioritized for bot farms and CS:GO players. Also, Covid deniers will balk at the totally normal idea of socially distanced Zoom dates. 

You also have the option of keeping your webcam off, though I would recommend you do not extend that courtesy towards the persxn you are Zooming. Demand they show their face. Look deep into xer eyes as you repeat AOC’s talking points on; current events, the climate crisis and your hatred of TERFs, transphobes and Trump. If xer eyes dilate then you know you have a keeper. A RepubliKKKan however will not be able to hide their disgust and bigotry of your mostly peaceful word salad and will begin slinging slurs your way. They may even quote the Bible! At which point you may end the call and block them.

IF YOU THINK THAT BLONDE BOMBSHELL OR TWINK IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT

It never hurts to have low self-esteem. You might think you’re Don Draper, with your paycheck from Pfizer, insider knowledge, and place in Klaus Schwab’s underground bunker safely secured for when the proles rise up in rebellion after the planned economic rug-pull. But take a quick reality check.

Is she, he or xey just interested in you for precisely those reasons, or is there something deeper there? I know they say not to judge a book by its cover, but I would keep attractive folx at arms length for now. Treat them with hostile suspicion and stick to dating uggos.

On a totally unrelated note, I am single and ready to socially distance mingle.

KEEP IT IN THE PFAMILY

I would all advise corporate bigwigs to start introducing ruthlessly strict company wide policies that forbid employees from seeking sexual relationships of any kind outside of the workplace. There needs to be a probation period of at least six months employment with the company before one can begin flirting with, dating or shagging anyone in the cult, er… corporation. I recommend some sort of injectable QR passport system. Details are sketchy now but you can work out the bugs later. This will help root out any Project Veritas ghouls that may attempt to pose as interns, janitors or delivery men. Failure to comply will result in the instant termination of ones’ contract and possibly life depending on the severity of their transgression.

Folx already in committed relationships must either find new corporate approved partners or submit to intense questioning, lie detector tests and an undisclosed period of extremely thorough home surveillance through their Alexa (who was already listening anyway) if they wish to remain employed. 

If you want to survive, follow my advice corporate America, it’s for your safety.