The Queen of England is dead and her eldest son Charles has taken the throne as King. Um, blatant nepotism aside, can I just point out how this is 2022 and we’re STILL living under an oppressive patriarchy? Womxn everywhere, myself included—even though I have yet to fully transition—are deeply hurt by this shocking, unprecedented turn of events.
Though I loathe the Royal family and actually did a TikTock duet dance challenge with Uju Anya when I heard the news that Queen Elizabeth had passed, I can’t help but feel intense sorrow for Prince Harry and Princess Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Extremely private peoplx, it is hard to know how they are dealing with the loss of Harry’s abusive, colonizing, racist, globalist Grandmama. Perhaps Meghan will shed some light on her next Spotify podcast.
Short of abolishing the monarchy altogether, the next best thing the Royal family could do is pass the crown to Princess Meghan Markle. She’s a heckin’ Queen anyway, why not make it official? She’s universally beloved, especially in Britain, and has an acting resume that would make Tom Cruise green with envy. Her acclaimed, extremely nuanced performance as Rachel Zane in “Suits” rivals that of Bryan Cranston’s frankly overrated, hammy turn as Walter White in “Breaking Bad”.
Yes, at the age of 41 Meghan might be considered too young to take the mantle, or perhaps be considered too inexperienced, but I strongly disagree. Many internet users have lauded her seemingless transformation into a MILF. Could not such a talented actress also be a RILF? In her short tenure as the Duchess of Sussex Meghan has more than proved to be just as every bit cold, calculating and shrewdly manipulative as the Queen was, if not more so. She also lacks the baggage of being a full blown colonizing racist; she conquered Harry’s and our hearts through her bubbly personality rather than by brutal force. And she has freckles without a TikTock filter!
She’s also no stranger to a bit of (false and malicious) negative publicity, which as the Queen she would no doubt have to deal with from time to time. Meghan knows how to navigate the murky minefield that is the British press, and through her close friendships with Netflix, Spotify and Oprah, was able to overcome all the lies and slander… and emerge from her forced exile a stronger, better (if that’s possible) persxn. The tabloids quiver and think twice now before daring to put out another hit piece on her or Harry.
As the proud and sole creator of her stunning and brave book The Bench, I can assure you all that Queen Meghan has the literary and oratory skills required for the job. Along with 10 million other Queens, I almost always download and sometimes even listen to her smash hit Spotify podcast. I’m getting chills just thinking of the speeches she could belt out to the peasantry.
Unlike Charles, who was born with a silver spoon firmly lodged in his arse, Meghan comes from extremely humble beginnings that would make her more relatable to the unwashed masses. Born and raised in Los Angeles, a child of divorce, and mixed race, Meghan had what you could call a difficult upbringing. As a self-identifying half-BIPOC, half-Latinx member of the LGBTQIAP+++ community with freckles, I can fully sympathize with how hard Meghan must have had it growing up in California.
Furthermore, Meghan and Harry have a far more stable, loving relationship than that of Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, who lets not forget entered the fold through an adulterous relationship that ended Charles’ marriage to Diana (who will no doubt go down in history as a frumpy, universally detested, and inelegant proto-Meghan who is still trying to steal Meghan’s thunder and Harry’s love from beyond the grave). Don’t even get me started on William and Kate’s husk of a marriage.
Though I have no evidence to support this claim, I strongly believe that Meghan was kept away from the Queen’s deathbed in Balmoral to put a stop to her Queenly ascension. No matter, I have cobbled together a short script which I believe could be an accurate portrayal of Meghan gaining the Queen’s power from afar the night she died:
THE CROWNSEASON FINALE
“It’s Meghan Time”
INT. BALMORAL – NIGHT
Surrounded by her corgis, servants and loved ones, the Queen peacefully dies. As her squabbling family (William, Kate, Andrew, Charles, etc.) grapple over Her Majesty’s last will and testament in the background, growing more reptilian with every passing second, we see the Queen’s royal spirit ascend to the Heavens above.
INT. TOWER OF LONDON – NIGHT
Chained to a radiator, Meghan (played by herself, naturally) bounces a ball against the opposite wall like Steve McQUEEN in The Great Escape. On close up we can see the words “Elizabeth: Episode 1 wuz shot here” is crudely etched into the wall. The Queen’s withered soul slithers through the iron bars on the window and greets Meghan in the form of a spooky force ghost.
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
Meghan… ‘Tis I, the Queen.
MEGHAN
(nods slowly)
So it’s done then. You’re… you’re dead?
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
We have little time. I can feel myself fading. You must stop Charles from becoming King.
MEGHAN
But, I’m not ready. My training is incomplete.
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
You underestimate yourself. You we amazing in the TV movie of the week ‘Daters Handbook’ and then there’s the podcast.
MEGHAN
I know, 10 million subscribers, right?
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
I’m not sure Spotify’s counting algorithm is sound, however-
MEGHAN
-I have the love of the people but Charles and William would never allow it, Liz!
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
You must expose them on Spotify for the racist bigots they are. Use everything that I have taught you. Go to Dagobah and seek out Oprah for further training. I will transfer what little Queenly essence I have left into you. You will need it for what is to come. Dark times lie ahead, Meghan. Somehow, Philip has returned.
MEGHAN
Philip? But we had a funeral for him and everything! How can this be!?
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
The dark side of the monarchy is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be… unnatural.
MEGHAN
Tell me how to stop him, Liz!
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GHOST
You must figure that out for yourself… Granddaughter. I have faith in you and Harry. Your marriage is the key. My child, it is time for you to take The Crown.
SMASH CUT TO END CREDITS
It could have totally happened that way and maybe we’ll never know what greatness was left on the Royal cutting room floor. In the end it was really a palace coup orchestrated by Charles and his favored son, William. Unconfirmed reports are starting to circulate that the Queen’s last words were a panicky, sorrowful “where’s Meghan?”. No doubt she wanted to apologize for forcibly ousting Meghan from the royal family, and bestow the crown upon her before croaking.
Let’s face it, the monarchy is in dire need of an image makeover, and having a more diverse, inclusive and progressive figurehead and familx would go a long way to restoring faith in what is now a crumbling, archaic, purely decorative institution. We need to modernize the monarchy and make it more democratic (or at least ratings driven), so say I and thousands of other folx on Twitter.
Goddxss Save Queen Meghan!
