The other day, I went to pay my $8 monthly Twitter subscription and learned that I had insufficient funds. I’m sure we’ve all been there—thanks to Justinflation— but I still couldn’t account for my loss. I asked my wife Greta, assuming she’d gone on one of her HomeSense shopping binges, but she reminded me that our 35-year-old left wing son Lee has been living in our basement rent free since the beginning of the Obama administration.
“Oh, yeah, him,” I said, as I poured the crumbs of Frosted Flakes into a bowl.
Well, something needed to give, but Greta told me to be sensitive because Lee’s generation are super triggered and if I was too mean then there’s no telling what kind of temper tantrum he may throw. “Could he become a she?” I jested.
I proceeded next door to ask my best friend Mr. Wong for advice. When I arrived at his house, my old pal told me he was too busy deleting his Twitter account to help me. Then he explained that the social media giant Twitter had labeled the CBC account: Government-funded Media.
“Well, don’t they receive money from the government?” I asked, failing to see the problem.
“Yes,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean that they’re government funded.”
“Wait, is this like one of your ‘UKRAINE IS THE VICTIM’ and ‘COVID IS A DEADLY VIRUS’ lectures?” I asked, getting ready to high tail it out of there.
“No, no, fascist billionaire Elon Musk has labeled all the media that he does not agree with as Government-funded Media. And now,” he paused dramatically, “we’re all leaving Twitter,” folding his tiny arms over his chest. “You know how to use Mastodon?”
A Government-funded Temper Tantrum!
I started to boil up, not that I cared if Mr. Wong left Twitter. I couldn’t stand all his sunset photos. So much so that I even wrote to Mr. Musk about adding a dislike button. Still, as I stood in his home with a photo of Justin Trudeau above the fireplace, I explained: Last year, when I and other like-minded Canadians were deep in the trenches of Ottawa fighting the vaccine mandates, we looked to our Government-funded Media CBC to tell our story. After all, we were Canadians and didn’t our voice matter? Instead, however, the CBC continued to push the Trudeau agenda that we were conspiracy theorists who wanted to overthrow the government. We were Nazis who desecrated the statue of the anti-medical establishment hero Terry Fox.
Mr. Wong looked at me, clearly frustrated from the sign up portion of Mastodon that he was stuck on, “Sorry, did you say something?”
I reminded him that Twitter had ‘labeled’ Russian and Iranian news agencies previously, and according to Glenn Greenwald, YouTube had previously labeled the CBC as government funded, but we never heard a peep from Mr. Wong or Trudeau when that happened.
I was getting nowhere, both with Mr. Wong and my son Lee. The economy is in free fall, son, I needed to tell him. I had no choice but to throw him out so that I could get my blue check mark. Oh, and also teach him how to be an adult and learn to care for himself and others. Old Man Gelman sent me packing on my 18th birthday and that was a great life lesson.
My Dad taught me everything I ever needed to know. I decided to visit him in the nursing home we’d shipped him off to during the pandemic. I figured if anyone knew how to get rid of Lee it would be him. But when I finally saw my father sitting in front of the TV, a spoonful of peas hanging from his whiskers, and the dank smell of soiled underpants, I could only think about asking him if he watched the CBC. After all, Trudeau did say that it’s a national treasure enjoyed by all Canadians.
1.24 Billion Reasons to Tell the CBC to Sign Off!
“Haven’t watched it in years,” he said. “Not since the home got HBO streaming. We’re too old to watch the news,” he laughed. “What do we care about what’s going on in the world?” Then he told me about Season two of Yellowjackets and how he’s crushing hard on Misty (the older version).
Well, I got the answer I was looking for. Thanks HBO! I rushed home, headed down to the basement and told Lee it was time to go. I’m not throwing you out, I said, I’m only pausing you from living here.
You see, folks, my son is a lot like the CBC, he lives for free, does what he wants, and acts like nothing is going to stop him from achieving mediocrity. I’m sure he’ll land on his feet somewhere, but there’s a time and a place for everything to end, and it’s time for both the public broadcaster and my son to stop getting spoon fed by me.
Canada isn’t losing a national treasure when the Conservatives roll in and cut its 1.24 billion in public funding, it’s only evicting a child that doesn’t want to grow up. The CBC bent over for the Trudeau agenda, they failed to question reality, served us dishes of shit, and now they’re choking on their own bullshit. Goodbye and Au revoir, CBC, don’t let the door hit your exploding asshole on the way out!
