Terry Fox, who famously ran across Canada in 1980 with the aid of a prosthetic leg to raise awareness for cancer, is shortlisted to be the new face of the five-dollar bill. 

But he won’t be running alone, according to our Bank of Canada insider who has seen the new bills top secret draft artwork. Terry Fox will be running alongside a convoy of freedom trucks, right down the TransCanada Highway!

“It will be a bold departure from the boring old bill. The only interesting thing about the old five was that you could shade in Willfred Laurier’s head so he looked like Spock from Star Trek. This new version will be dynamic, bold and controversial. And he’ll have a toque.” 

Our crooked bankers slant is that Terry’s name got pushed to the top of the list of the almost 600 nominees in late February. The Conservative stacked selection committee was coincidentally debating who would be on the new bill during the recent Ottawa Freedom Rally against the unscientific and illegal pandemic mandates.

“These MPs are basically cowards in terms of expressing what they really think of the supposed ‘pandemic’ measures. They voted for pretty much every tyrannical pandemic bill the Liberals introduced. But they are actually fierce patriots and were inspired by the Freedom Convoys spontaneous and genuine all-Canadian expression of tolerance, love and brotherhood they witnessed in Ottawa. Terry represents all those things, so it’s a perfect fit.”

ANTIFA FOX HUNTING

Lasr May freedom leaning members of the selection committee had Terry’s name pushed ahead of hundreds of unknown female and indigenous politicians and poets. But not everyone is happy with Terry winning the race to the front of the new bill.

“He represents everything that is wrong with Canada,” shouted one Ottawa ANTIFA member to our intern reporter Casey Riley over Zoom. “The White Supremacists and Anti-Vaxers rallied around the statue of an entitled cis white male, that tells me all I need to know. That bitch’s head belongs in a lake, not on FIAT currency, the tool of the oppressor!” 

But one freedom fighter teared up to our intern over Telegram: “Terry is an icon of hope and is everyone’s hero.”

“He stands for the fight against adversity, even if you know you’re not going to win, you give it your all and try to inspire those around you. He doesn’t belong to the Right or the Left. He is every Canadian at our best, during the worst of times.”