Fast food restaurant A&W, known for its wholesome small town charm and loveable ‘Burger Family’ is struggling in a post-Covid, recession economy. The 103-year-old chain is reportedly rumored to be considering drastic changes to modernize both its menu and image to bring in a younger and more diverse clientele.
With little information publicly available, GWU! has turned to its resident burger expert Terrance Letts to take a bite out of what A&W might do to stop from starving to death.
“A&W needs to embrace the future. Of course, in the future no one is allowed to touch anyone without a letter of consent so embracing is out. They’ll no doubt be turning to a bunch of woke trans nonsense,” prognosticates Letts.
“First off they’ll need a name change. I recommend SJ&W, laughs Letts. “And they will need to address the scientifically incorrect environmental cow patty of how fast food creates ‘climate change,’” Letts warns.
He says that among the changes would be to have all food served at room temperature so as to not destroy the planet with ‘problematic’ electricity. Another change would be more social activism.
“Tim Hortons has its outdoor summer camp. Boring. Dated. SJ&W would have a socialist indoctrination camp. It would teach valuable left wing propaganda that way kids wouldn’t get rusty over the summer from all gender ideology they learn in school.”
Letts also predicts the use of new Digital ID loyalty cards. “Once you identify as nine genders you get the tenth Klaus Schwab Bug Chilly free!” Other marketing ideas Letts suggests are a special day where customers pay SJ&W money for a woke, leftwing cause and they don’t get anything in return. “You’ll eat nothing and they’ll be happy!”
POTENTIAL SJ&W MENU ITEMS TO BE CANCELLED
- The Sister Burger for sounding like it was a slant against Black girls (said no one ever).
- The Mozza Burger for being racist against Italians.
- Chipotle mayonnaise due to cultural appropriation.
- Rootbeer – it’s gross.
- No more frosted mugs – mugs are ableist to people who have no hands.
A&W HOPES TO IDENTIFY AS HEALTHY EATING
Inside the trans-formed SJ&W restaurant Letts suggests all tables and chairs be removed because the restaurant demands you stand with Ukraine. “The freed up space also makes room for a much needed refugee centre in every location.”
Exterior wise Letts muses a permanent Peaceful Protest Zone (with reinforced windows). “They can do a treat of the week toy that’s a little sign you can write your outrage on.”
The current company mission statement: ‘Home of the burger family striving to make a positive impact in our community’ is so 2015 says Letts. He’s tentatively penned the following change: ‘Our guests love our morally outrageous new menu. You won’t know how upsetting it is until it’s shoved down your throat, whether you like it or not.’
Letts says that if the company rights its ship by turning a hard left they are sure to go broke after going woke!
Some may consider these changes outrageous, but Letts says the new and improved SJ&W will just be outraged.
NEWLY TRANSITIONED SJ&W MENU IDEAS
- The always changing SJW Burger – full of absolutely nothing until someone tells it what’s inside – at which point it eats itself. The Papa Lives with Grandma Burger Because He’s Unemployed Burger.
- The My Two Moms Hotdog – SJ&W is the only place they can get their dog laid!
- The new Buddy Burger will come with ‘100% real artificial’ tasteless beef, with 10% less cow farts. Remember, Buddy will always be your buddy – as long as you don’t ever disagree with him – or admit you’re grooming him.
- The man who comes around at night and says for you to call him Uncle Burger.
- The Grandma MAiD Just for You: Medically Assisted Suicide Burger – Now with Arsenic!
- The Grandpa Died Alone in the Home to Keep Him Safe from Covid Burger.
- The Gender Confused Burger – Nothing says outrage like our sliced off imitation meat!
- The Margaret Trudeau Double Sandwich – comes with extra meat inside the bun, and a side of Mick Jagger’s pickle (Canada Only).
- The Vegan Burger – tastes like sawdust but at least it makes you part of the crowd!
- You’ll be grasping at paper straws to choke down the SJ&W racially segregated soda fountain that’s Kool Aides – Only. Dispenses Kool aid in colors that match customers hair; blue, green and purple.
- Isitreally Ice Cream Kosher Delight – an all you can eat free ice cream feast with SJ&W paying the customer whatever they demand for as long as it takes to start World War III in the middle east.
- SJW Wedges – available toppings include racism, sexism and misogyny – Made with 100% transfat – Because Transfries are Real Fries.
