Every few months he’d show up at my sweet, pure and innocent Gam-Gam’s care home and hold a gun to her head until I agreed to the heckin’ jab. I had no choice but to acquiesce in order to save my Grandma. He told me if I ever breathed a word of who he was – he would come back and murder my entire family and storm the Capitol building. Who am I talking about, you wonder? Donald J. Trump, that’s who.

I don’t know why I was specifically targeted by Orange Satan. Perhaps it is because I am a proud member of the LGBTQIAP+++ community? Maybe it’s because I voted for Biden, twice. Whatever the case, I have been tormented by this evil mxn for far too long. Ever since he stole the election in 2016 I have been having nightmares about this monstrous jumbo cheeto, and now he’s actually threatening my familx and forcing me to take his rushed, experimental vaccine. (It’s not even a vaccine, you know. It’s an MRNA therapeutic. But let’s not get distracted. This is about Trump, not the evil vaccine companies he and his corporate buddies made monxy off of.)

I was NEVER pro-COVID vax, I was ALWAYS against the masks, lockdowns and vaccines, you HAVE to believe me!! 

Trump hacked all my social media accounts as well and posted a bunch of nasty messages about how all the unvaccinated are uneducated chuds who deserve to lose their jobs and get segregated!!

Truth Social Overlord

I begged the Orange Overlord to leave my family alone, but he just cackled in my face and sent more mean tweets from my Twitter account!! I could tell from a mile away that these vaccines (that aren’t actual vaccines) were no good; that Trump had rushed them through to own the Libs and threaten our beloved democracy. When I would try to HUMBLY reason with him, he would just grab my twinkly-eyed old Gam-Gam by the pussy and ramble on and on about his tremendous jab:

“This is the best jab ever. Everyone says so. I’ve had it about a million times and I’ve never felt more healthy. We’re going to build a wall out of these jabs and everyone’s going to love it. Just try climbing over these jabs. You can’t, they are perfect and very sharp. I made the jab – me. All me. They call me Jabba the Hutt. We’re going to Make Big Pharma Great Again. It’s gonna be fantastic.”

We are only now starting to see the devastating, completely unforeseen effects these ‘vaxxes’ are having on people. According to ‘the media’ and ‘the science’ none of this was ever expected. I’m not the only one who was forced by Trump. Even poor Biden was blackmailed by him into telling people to get the Trump vax. Trump had the nuclear launch codes in a cardboard box in MAGA-lago and he was threatening to nuke China if Biden didn’t go along with his insanity. That’s why MAGA-lago was raided by the FBI!! It was to stop Trump from starting World War 3!! Trump was clearly engaging in elder abuse.

It’s all coming out now, though. Trump is to blame for absolutely everything – the lockdowns, the masks, the jabs, the witch-hunts, the war in Ukraine, the climate changing, the Monkeypox pandemic, the Zodiac killings, everything – and until we do something about it he’s just going to carry on brazenly killing folx.

Come to the Dark Side

My chudlet brother Kyle (R), who claims to have refused the vaccine for ‘medical and moral reasons’ but is actually just scared of needles, 5G microchips and the Earth being round, is now smugly claiming that the Democrats were wrong about everything for the past two years. What a plague rat to be reveling in his own plaugey filth. This is why it is so important that I preemptively absolve myself and the rest of the party of any blame or wrongdoing. Trump is the villain, always has been, always will be. End of quote, repeat the line.

The first time Trump approached me, appearing out of thin air in a puff of orange smoke whilst menacingly brandishing a pair of dirty needles between his blood stained cloven hooves, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I was naive and pure hearted enough to believe a spark of good must have still been inside him. Like Darth Vader. Remember that feeling you got when Luke took off Vaders helmet? It was like, he’s actually a good dad after all. 

But soon after my first jab I developed an extremely mild case of myocarditis. After the team of doctors brought me back to life and informed me of my exciting new medical condition and list of lifelong side effects and prescription medications, I must admit my skepticism of Trump and his vaccines were only emboldened. (Also, Vader is totally fucking evil in the prequels! He murders kids and lies to Padme! If only we’d have known! No Force Ghost for you asshole!)

The past two years have been super crazy, so please do not blame folx who didn’t know any better or were pressured (either knowingly or unknowingly) into acting a certain way by the evil cheeto and his dark, mysterious powers of persuasion. My usually unbreakable moral convictions and highly superior critical thinking skills were extremely strained from four years of living under Trump’s dystopian dictatorship, so it’s no wonder I caved in to all the propaganda and fear-porn during the pandemic!   

Global Plandemic Was No Plan

We ALL went a bit mad, didn’t we? Yes, I said some things I now regret but won’t apologize for, but who didn’t? I mean, sure, we did bring back a bit of the ol’ segregation, and yeah okay, in hindsight maybe masking kids and ruining their childhoods with massive educational setbacks and psychological damage was a bit much, but we were just following orders! The lies and gaslighting were a necessary evil! We were fighting a LITERAL GLOBAL PANDEMIC, peoplx!!

The anti-vaxxers did some terrible things, too. I can’t think of them … but they did honk those truck horns in Canada! Even though technically they were right the whole time – it was all by accident. They’re still a bunch of Dunning-Krugers, and I still hold the moral and intellectual high ground.

The pandemic sure did some major mass formation hypnosis but thankfully the Omicron specific booster is dropping soon and I will be first in line to get it. This is a completely different vaccine, and Trump’s grubby, orange mitts have been nowhere near it. I humbly demand you all go out and get it too. Covid is still very much a real public health threat, we’re all in this together, we must follow the science in order to combat the spread and flatten the curve so we can return to normal!!